God Bless America in Love.
Coming back to basics.
I love our country, the United States of America. But what is happening in our country?
But I only have to say Charlie Kirk and the United Sates of America falls apart. Love disappears. Groups huddle up and think violent thoughts of everyone not in the huddle.
Donald Trump. Similarly.
Kamala Harris. Similarly.
Who else?
We could go on down the list and all we would have done is say
“I am more important than our country; my view is right and it is more important than the United States itself. My view is more important than life and love.”
For sure, everyone is allowed to hate. You are allowed: because of democracy. And I love that freedom to hate. But hate cannot be the basis of democracy.
It saddens me deeply, though. More than about just one person, more than idealist beliefs failing.
People die every day. and for even more ridiculous reasons than political ideologies.
The main thing I am sad about is that Americans are so upset. In such distress. I am sad that any of our political leader have been killed. I feel for their families and ourselves as follow country folk.
The System of democracy
My view in the beauty of the USA is our system:
it is made to encompass all views.
I love our country because the system allows me to live my life with the least amount of worry in all of history.
If a person thinks that the way they think about things is not due to our system, I see that as the basis of the problem. So, because apparently people think they are free outside of our system of rights:
It literally is as though the United States of America is a dysfunctional marriage.
What if we took America to marriage counseling?
Well, it happens to be that I am a relationship counselor, both for individuals and couples.
Love.
If a marriage is going to work, both parties must be invested in thier love over their individual ideals of justice. There is no justice without first having solid ground in love. If there is no grounding in love, then…well…we keep trying.
I believe the issues we have today in the US government, our society, and the parties concern love for this country on both sides – so I see an asset and an opportunity.
I understand that I have my freedom not because I believe anything in particular, but because I love this country, I love the wisdom embodied in the soul of people who understand human beings having inalienable rights. If God gave us these rights, I feel, then it is because God loves us. Period. Then comes democracy. After that, we all get to have iPhones and the Internet.
Love is God. God is love. Where there is not love, there is humans being afraid.
This is not an ideal. It is a truth. I do not believe this.
What we call our U.S. “culture war”, might be more like a “me against you war”, a “partner against a partner war”. Sure, I can say that the person that is me is, in an embodied sort of way, the culture that is me. So it is in a marriage, we might say it is a culture war. There would be no continuing marriage if not for the common love somewhere in there, in both of them. I feel like this is good metaphor that everyone could understand.
As a couples/ marriage therapist, I see my goal is to help each member to relate to the emotions that are present in each other under the words and actions, which then (hopefully) opens people back up to love.
The way we can explain what is preventing such opening is the trauma response.
The Trauma Response
Maybe you are a little familiar with the trauma response. I mean this is the most general, contemporary mental health way:
when we feel violated or in danger our brains go into fight/flight/freeze mode.
Under that is the idea that each of the people in the relationship, at certain times and under certain conditions, don’t feel safe, or feel violated. So each person in a dysfunctional relationship attacks and defends.. Of course all arguments occur this way, but the dysfunction is that each party loses their bearings in what matters, in the domain and relevancy of the relationship itself, their commitment to each other and their family. If I have and can honor that commitment, then I am committed to love; if I am committed to love, then I am committed to God.
When the one person is defensive, they often also suggest something that the other person did wrong. That partner then feels attacked because they feel that their partner is telling them what to do instead of hearing their complaint. So they then defend and attack back. Even in the some of the healthiest of relationships, this is what happens as a matter of course.
The trauma response is a closing, a shutting down of effective and productive communication. If the shutting continues, then the only way to communicate left is violence. A breaking. The love turns into a justified hate.
The key part of couples therapy is to recognize when the fight/ trauma response has taken control. The reasoning part of the brain, the rational part begins to rationalize the fear and the justification of attack and defend based upon the emotional ‘perception’ of being in danger.
No progress in the relationship can occur until each person begins to recognize how they are being ruled by fear.
Truth.
Love is not an idea. It is the manner that marriages stay intact for the benefit of humanity, or in our case here, the United States. Selfishness can be justified as love, yes. However, I feel that even our most hated adversaries feel they are working from a standpoint of love.
I was listening to the Charlie Kirk memorial. Probably 100k people in the stadium. It is difficult for me the believe that they are all not there because of love of this country. It is also difficult for me to think that all the people who did not watch the memorial are not sad (or hateful, or angry) because of the failure of love.
The reactions from the hurt, and pain, the fear, and anger that prevents communication…that is the trauma response. This is the truth.
One side
I counsel individuals who are having relationship troubles. The first thing I try to educate them about is there are things that you can do which will help the other side soften their trauma response reactivity. Things you can do to help yourself not have to deal with the hatred, attacks and defensiveness that the other side keeps throwing at you without yourself perpetuating the problem.
And yes: modern media makes money out of intense divisiveness. It’s just the way things are. Try not to hate that as well.
Love is not an ideal. It is not soft or mushy. It is powerful.
I’m not going to tell anyone what to do.
…except: Maybe ponder that.
If this post resonates with you, please share it.
You. Are mattering.