I think most of my life I was trying to be someone that I wasn’t and I was trying to do some thing that was against my true nature￼￼￼￼. I think I found in philosophy a kind of justification for this “being at odds” with myself as a way of being in the world. Honestly, I found much sympathy with the western, mainly continental, European philosophers of the last, say, two or 300 years. It literally is though I was living the life that these people, these so many philosophical authors, had experienced themselves. It kind of made and makes me in hindsight feel good inside, as if I’m not so alone because I can identify with these big names of history; somehow it validated myself and my experience.
I recall how Nietzsche says somewhere that he identifies with and has empathy ￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼ for the authors and the people of the past, but the people of the present he can hardly tolerate. As long as I can remember, I felt exactly that way.
I think I felt in so identifying with what all these authors were talking about and what they were saying ￼￼￼￼ that somehow I could carve a place out of the thick, dense world for myself, and be celebrated for the victory￼. Little did I know that one must come back out of the forest to get home.
If I could just apply enough force –i would imagine — if I could just apply enough power, chop everything up enough, the power that I gained through identifying with these dense and poignant theories and discourse of philosophy, then I would be justified in reality￼. Everyone would love me so much because I could wield these theoretical weapons at anything that came at me and I would end up some philosophical and aesthetic giant. Nietzsche and all of them would be channeled through me, the angst and despair that I was feeling against this terrible modern industrial world, and everyone would listen to me because I so thoroughly and passionately felt that me and these other philosophers- and everyone, really, were brothers in spirit, and that the spirit would compel me into being great among men!
￼￼But as time went on I started to realize that while these philosophers may have penned, sorted out and developed these great philosophical ideas, the ideas were mostly dead in everyone who is trying to do the same thing that I was trying to do with them￼: Indeed these authors were perpetuating￼ the very situation that they were ￼trying to overcome￼ in their descriptions. Through various lineages of philosophies of perhaps the past two or 300 years￼￼, The attempt to overcome the condition was inscribed￼ such that nothing was ever overcome, which is to say, the only thing that was overcome was indeed nothing, and yet still to this day not even that is overcome.
There’s a strange irony; what these philosophers were talking about so far as who I am what I am in the world, I was totally missing in the attempt to use their ideas to justify myself. Basically I was trying to force myself into the embodiment of their ideas instead of being true to the embodiment that is here already. As though because I understand what they’re saying so thoroughly,￼ who and what I am must necessarily be framed by what they said, albeit, through the force of power that I wield by what they say to argue myself in this world.
But the simple fact is that I was getting nowhere but sinking more and more into The swamp and drudgery of modern life, torturing myself as a kind of sacrifice toward the good of the world.
￼ I think at this point and in a way of speaking I had two alternatives: 1) continue in the faith that I had in the idea to compel me to be able to power myself into the façade of modern ideology and it’s nihilism, or 2) doubt, again, that what I Thought so thoroughly and surely as true￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼ and significant to the creature that I am in the world, was indeed so true and significant.￼
I think when I came to that cross roads, I realized that the only sure thing that I could rely on, The only thing which indeed must be absolutely true, is that I doubt. I had to take another deadly risk￼.
So really I reveal that I am more Kierkagaardian then I am Cartesian, and I am more concerned with substance than I am with material.
Once I remembered what had really gotten me through all the BS, everything changed.
No longer do I feel alienated. No longer do I attempt to identify myself with something that is not my self. No longer am I trying to do anything authentically.
The way I’ve come to terms with this so far as what I actually do in the world is to have realized that most people are not as fortunate as I am. For all the fucked up shit that my life has been and that I put myself through all these years, I look around and I see people that Live life in a similar fashion, thinking and orienting themselves upon the world similar to the way that I did for decades, And them without the benefit of having a philosophical comfort in the figures of the past￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼.
No longer do I feel entirely comfortable sitting in myself hashing out wonderful systems of thoughts and how philosophically and ontologically this and that must be the case while I look across the world and impose that kind of idealism upon everyone I see.
I realize that I was not seeing anyone for who and what they are, not the world for what it indeed is, but was rather caught in my own modern subjectivity, arguing all these various philosophies to substantiate and insert myself were really there was only ideas￼.￼￼
Now I am able to use these ideas in the service of others because I am not bound by these traditions of ideology or philosophy. Or rather, I am only half bound where most people are entirely subjugated.
Back to the show.
This does not mean I have stopped doing philosophy. But, i guess it means that I am more concerned with the interface of philosophy with the actual world.
As readers might see through this blog and books, philosophy in-itself is no longer sufficient to uphold a place for me. Philosophy in-itself is now a thing to use, a being which does its use itself.
Lately I have been harboring on the psychoanalyst Jaques Lacan￼￼.
Maybe in my next post I’ll get back to what the original point was. ￼