The Gift

on the non-fixity of world identity.

It is not a definitive world by which reality is understood as a singular and fixed truththat is significant. The various opinions, attitudes and mentalities based in subjective meaning upon the stable ground of reality are not the issue.  Rather, it is the relationship that we have with things which is truly significant. 

*

I had a moment with a young individual today.

I don’t know how it is in the rest of the world, but in the US it is a strange kind of trend of adolescents who are depressed to self harm. I don’t know if this is a global thing but I know it is a United States thing.

It seems that there is a rash of depressed and or anxious young people who, lacking any particular sharp tool, such as a razor blade or perhaps a knife, will scratch themselves in one place with their own fingernail, often short, until The skin finally breaks and a wound develops. They will continue to scratch that one place longer and wider until some unknown threshold is achieved and then they will produce another one right next to it, often parallel and sometimes in squared or triangular designs. And they will do this, many of them, until their arms are covered with these kind of burn sores. When you get a bunch of these children together, it is at once striking and at the same time strangely of no concern; for in part, one might be just as inclined to wonder why a group of kids will start smoking tobacco or in our current situation, vaping. One has to admit there is a certain amount of fad or trend or whatever you would want to call it. Because anxiety and depression does not necessarily mean that you have to self harm, and indeed when I was young there was many kids my age, many who were depressed or had problematic families who were friends of mine, who never thought of self harming in the way that seems so trendy and ubiquitous for our children nowadays. It is sad and strange.

*

My intention for this post was not to discuss the philosophical fixtures of mental health theories or to offer any sort of help necessarily to these young people.

I really brought it up because this one person I was talking to today used to self harm, and then stopped for a couple years and only recently had started again because of some sort of life event that was triggering.

This person was also depressed but having more issues with anxiety. I was talking to this person and they happen to mention how they are not suicidal because their best friend had committed suicide a few years prior, so they never contemplate killing themselves.

It struck me how they said this so matter-of-factly, for it is common with people who suffer from great and long lasting general anxiety as well as depression to have to also battle with intrusive suicidal thoughts.

And I said to this person:

You know, that’s kind of amazing, in a strange way, when you think about it. What you just said…

Your best friend died? I said.

And so you never think about killing yourself, you simply don’t have thoughts about killing yourself? I said.

Then I said, you know, in a strange way, your friend gave you a gift, for he gave you a reason to live.

And this person began to slowly tear up, as I did also, with compassion in my heart.

They were looking down but then they kind of looked up at me through the tops of their eyes and gave a sleight little smile On top of that kind of frown that you get when there’s a deep hurt that just quickly surged to the surface, when your face can’t help but strain into an childish ugly grimace. A kind of embarrassment and yet of connection.

Yeah; maybe… they said.



Sometimes we need a different way to look at things. Sometimes we can hold what seems as two opposing sentiments for the sake of at once mourning and yet celebrating, missing and yet respecting.  and yet, sometimes when we see it, it seems so obvious. Like, why didn’t I think of that.

I think some of it may be not so much that this person didn’t think of that, but they did not allow themselves to think of it because of the polemically reductive fashion by which we arrive with our ethical selves to the encounter with the world. We are often not permitted to think but in specific ways about specific things.

Often we just hold the sadness a certain way because we think that’s the only way that sadness is allowed to be, holding it so dear that we fear that person is going to be disrespected, as if it is this supremely fragile thing. Whereas actually it could be a source of the most profound strength and Resilliance. 

The modern ideological and ethical sense sometimes misleads us into seeing tragedy as one way, into what Kierkegaard calls the “either/or”, which is the mentality of fixation, of limit, of finitude. 

*

How much does my identity depend upon this either/or reduction towards self and world, as if indeed they either have to be 100% intertwined and subjective, or 100% separate, psychological and objective?

Maybe the relationship changes under various conditions.  maybe it is both.





CBD and what You have never heard about it.

I’ve decided I’m gonna write about CBD. You know: the modern snake oil that comes from marijuana that cures everything.

But wait! Don’t stop reading. I was an early advocate for legalization of pot and all the great things it can be used for. So hear me out.

This post May not be what you think!

The qualifications for my opinion: I used to smoke pot. Most often I’d smoke some when I just wanted to chill and relax. And When I was hanging with friends. Often When I went out on the weekends, we’d step out and smoke with new and old friends. Sometimes during the day; maybe at lunch I’d grab that roach that was in my car ash tray. I’d take a couple bong hits in the morning before work. Then when I got in the car. Often in the way to work. At break. When I got home. While I was cooking. Before dinner, so I could enjoy my food. Then after diner to help digest. Watching tv I’d have a nice joint to my self. Before sex was nice. After sex too….basically, I smoked pot all day every day.

I loved it for a while. Then it just became annoying. Then just stupid. Then I stopped. But I hold no grudges for people who like it. Doesn’t bother me to be around people who smoke. Tobacco or pot. And I quit both.

*

Anyways. that’s beyond the point: CBD.

I have nerve entrapment in my arm, elbow and wrist. Ulnar and Carpal tunnel they call it. It’s not too bad though; mostly it occurs in the early morning even if I wear a brace. My other arm had it too really bad, so I had surgery and fixed it. I’m gonna need surgery for this one also one day. It happens if I spend to much time with my arm bent during the day also. Or if I text to much. But not on a regular keyboard. The solution really is to stop using my hand and keep my arm straight for a little bit .

If you know, then You know. If you don’t: mine symptoms is tingling but will get to burning in my fingers. Pain, cramping. Numbness. Etc. it can get terrible, like crying bad, if I don’t pay attention And do some self care.

Ok.

So. Sometimes in the AM it takes a while for my hands to return to normal. So I had heard all this CBD stuff about inflammation how it is good for pain of all sorts also.

I get spam emails from time to time from CBD companies trying to sell their products. They offer to give me CBD for free if I pay postage. I figured, what a great opportunity to try it ! Becuase the oil is super dumb expensive. $5 to try it. I get the oil to take orally.

And an amazing thing happened I never in a million years would have guessed.

Side note: I dont believe I suffer from any sort of mental illness or disorder and do not believe I have any more or less difficulty with life than anyone else. Some people have more problems, some less, but I don’t think I’m different, is what I’m saying. I’m kinda ultra-normal I think. Life is shitty sometimes. Sometimes it’s great. Mostly it’s just life.

So. The first time I tried this CBD stuff, I put it in my morning protein yogurt breakfast I always eat. I put like 4 drops.

One is supposed to start small. And take ones time, methodically do more until they feel an effect and then stop there. Ok.

That day I found myself sad and mad. My outlook on life had tanked. I was sulky Basically I was depressed. And I didn’t know why.

I thought: could it have been the CBD?

No way. I thought. There’s no psychoactive stuff in there. It’s just oil, kinda like omega-3 oil.

Also, I kept burping up the chocolate oil taste (it was chocolate flavored) all day. That kinda sucked.

So a few days later I tried it again.

And once again within a few hours I became terrible depressed. Hating my life.

It was so odd that it was difficult for me to believe that my mood could be so effected by this shit. And, after all, I was a chronic pot smoker for many years. I mean, wtf.

But it kind of shook me. So I stayed away from it. For about 5 months.

Then I thought that something else probably had been going on at the time, so I figured I’d give it another shot.

And bammo. I got very depressed that day as well.

Hmmm.

I don’t know about you, I have never heard anything about any reports of CBD affecting one’s mental health. That discussion is always moved over into their drug/intoxicant discussion, and addictions and stuff like that.

And if you think about it, the only reason that we have CBD right now, purported to be this miracle cure for everything from migraines to cancer to skin lesions to aids to digestional problems… I mean you name it CBD has made some sort of claim about what sort of miracle it is —

– if we can be honest about it, the only reason we have these kind of claims is because a bunch of stoners wanted marijuana legal so they could get high.

And the people who want to get high, but now also the people that want to make a bunch of money, have every reason to try and separate out the psycho active properties of marijuana from the CBD medically beneficial oil.



I mean, come on. Dude, I was one of “the emperors wears New clothes” Book thumping , “legalize it”, the herb is just a plant, George Washington and the revolutionary war people used marijuana rope on the ships that won the US independence. I sold weed, I made food with it, I grew my hair long, I had a big smile all the time; I was afucking stoner. 😄

I mean let’s be real about it: people want to get high. Human beings want to be intoxicated and they will fucking kill you if you try to take away their right to get high. There is no question about this facet of drugs.

And let’s be even more honest: 

no one would give a shit about CBD oil or hemp if it wasn’t for a bunch of stoners who wanted to get high and we’re promoting certain discourses about their favorite intoxicant .

Yes, for sure it has health benefits, but we really don’t know if they are yet. the human mind is such a wonderful thing, we can talk ourselves into all sorts of stuff that is good for us and it will indeed heal us much the time, but which really has no basis in any sort of scientific study of research. And I’m not suggesting that science and research is the beat-all for what is true, but I’m just saying that the human mind has such potential to create truths… That’s all I’m saying.

Anyways.

so I took the oil orally three times and all three of those times made me radically depressed. It changed my mood so drastically that it was hard for me to believe that CBD oil was doing it. And because overall I think smoking weed is great and it’s good for the soul; I still support much of those things that I used to spout out about marijuana and legalization.

But it’s just for me, smoking pot was kind of like a way of life which included being antisocial and being part of something that was distinctly antiestablishment and contained within that a certain level of risk in a number of larger dynamics. So, by the time marijuana was legal, it just lost its glamour for me.It wasn’t just about getting fucked up, or relaxing or expanding my consciousness, it was For me really about existing in a different world than most people . It wasn’t about experimentation, it was about exploration.

* if I can make a little comment about addiction: I wonder if addiction really is because now we have no escape. I think the human being really wants to be able to have some aspect of their world that is unknown, and that this unknown part of them selves which is the undiscovered part of the world really, kind a holds personality and what people do and what they believe themselves in a certain type of check such that they don’t perhaps find themselves addicted to things terribly often, or they don’t get depressed, or they don’t want to kill themselves. I wonder if Our now world, taking as it does everything that is unknown and wonderful and special and putting it into a box for us to purchase or obtain by the swipe of our finger on an External brain– I wonder if that isnt really why addiction is so out of hand and why mental health has become such an issue.

*

Anyways, I diverge.

 so, my nerve pain in my arm started getting more constant. Six or seven months ago or eight months ago when I decided to try the CBD oil oil, my nerve pain was not extremely terrible. But it’s been getting slowly worse and I really don’t have time and I really don’t wanna go through the effort of having to go in and get surgery, even though I know it’s inevitable. So then I started thinking about that I could put the CBD oil on topically. Maybe it was internally that was messing with me. It dawned on me that there are all sorts of creams and stuff like that and that I didn’t necessarily have to take it orally, and in fact I’m putting all sorts of oil’s and lotion on my body anyways, maybe CBD might help the inflammation that is going on in these various nerve tunnels in my arms.

So I took with tincture I had and I took advantage of another CBD offer where I just pay the postage I’ll get some CBD oil and so I got two bottles of oil now and I basically dump it into a carrier of olive oil and coconut oil, two other oils that I use for dry skin and this and that all the time. And I start to put the CBD oil tincture on my elbow and on my wrist and rub it into my hands, every morning and every evening before I go to bed.

It took about A week or maybe almost 2 weeks of doing this before I noticed that it was actually working. But then at about just after two weeks, maybe a couple days after I noticed that it was really Helping with the burning in the tingling so that I would actually sleep through the morning, That I noticed, again, that my attitude on my life was getting worse. And then there was the morning that I woke up and I just hated life and thought my world was shitty and hated everyone and just didn’t want to do anything.

Again, I questioned whether it possibly could be CBD oil that is doing this to my mood and mental state . And so I stopped using the oil, stopped putting it on my skin. And guess what: happy Lance again.

I’m not going to try it again. It’s not worth it to me, I can manage this arm pain in other ways and I’m going to have to get surgery eventually anyways so. My mental state is much more important than getting to use CBD oil Becuase it’s weed derivative. 😆 and I got other ways to manage my physical pain.

But I wonder about those who may not be so present with them selves. Those people who are really wanting to believe the marijuana industry’s claims about how great cbd is. And I extrapolate my own experience and I wonder how many people get caught in a kind of a vicious loop of not only physical health problems but mental health problems, perhaps in the small domain that I’m talking about here.



We Love Drugs. And other extraneous solutions.

Everything you know about depression is wrong from The Guardian.

Seems to me the simple problem is that no one cares to look to themselves for the answer. We are taught to look to what is outside for the answer to our problem. Perhaps when it comes to personal happiness and contentment, this method does not work so well, whether it’s that I’m told I need drugs or whether it is that my needs are not being met. At some point, perhaps, in another 40 years, when the ‘needs’ solution isn’t working entirely, we will ask just what is a ‘need’ anyways. Blame blame blame. Maybe that’s the problem?